i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
