Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
