i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
