rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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