capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
