need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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