Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
