i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
