Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize