I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
