You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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