I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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