I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
