u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
