About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize