Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
