you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize