We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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