hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize