dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
