he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
