I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
