I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
