Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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