my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
