I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
