does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize