...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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