i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I don't deserve a penis
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
