Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
