I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
