note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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