My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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