Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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