Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
