Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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