Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
