so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
