thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
