I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
