Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
