she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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