I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
