Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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