I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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