I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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