this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
