I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
