Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
