My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
