I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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