dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
