kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
