Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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