i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
