Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
