just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
