First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize