She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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